litmus test

compare. compare. compare. i have been doing this for over 2 years, not seeing myself worth-but comparing myself to people with i think has more than what i have. i do it with friends i have known for years-who have  jobs i will never land. it’s something i am going to try to stop. even though it will be hard-it is effecting myself esteem & my goals. i am sitting in cafe& immediately began doing it as there is a successful woman sitting next to me who is good @ what she does.

i am lucky, i have a roof over my head, a safe place to be& have begun applying for grad school. i am doing a little bit everyday. small steps. i am also starting to realize that i need to look at myself as a capable person,  i need to see beyond my illness as i am high functioning & good with people. i am still capable & i have a support people that believe in me. maybe i need to start believing in myself for a change & not always taking myself for granted.

when i compare myself i don’t see what i am capable of-or what my goals are. when i start comparing myself i don’t see my own beauty nor my own intellect. whenever i get complimented i can’t take the compliment-i don’t actually say Thank You & accept it. it’s something i Need to start to do, to see myself. i have survived living out of a backpack in shelter, i have been in the poorly run transitional program that gave me a roof over my head but No Goals, no ideas for my future.

now i have goals & one of them being is not comparing myself. i need to grateful for what i still have. solace in the fact that i am capable, funny& smart. someday may be i will live in a house that is mine, until then i will focus on Everyday& that a year has passed & i am in a better place, physically & mentally that i have been in a long time. grateful. grateful. grateful.

sparkling

i got some really Good news today, apparently i am clean when it comes to my criminal background check. i got the good news this morning & have spent the day with a Real Felon who Hacked into *hot,* stolen computers& still has a warrant. makes me relieved that it’s NOT me. it gives me a brighter look @ job hunting & getting myself re-established.

the economy is tanking but @ least gas prices are going down. i feel so relieved about my job search & about the future. for the first time in a long time i am really Happy. i saw the secret life of bee’s today, a movie that was predictable but really sweet. not Worthy of the $7 i spent on the matinee. seeing a movie was good-however i broke my small budget for the day, argh!!

sitting in a crowded coffee shop is not exactly my idea of fun, but tomorrow will be all Grad school work, all the time. i have been spending too much time goofing off & not enough time working. i am not having nightmares anymore-i wake up & don’t feel dread, like i did when i was in the transitional house. i look forward to sleeping in my own bed.

life is slowly starting to resemble something Real. the Future is brighter than yesterday.

cancerous friendship

i left the transitional housing program & since then my life has been looking up, in small ways. i have had better interviews& better living situations have come into my life. i have attempted the last month to retain some contact with the women that i lived with & came to realize today that they are the same drama queens they where inside the house as out.

maybe it’s the pity factor or always having to pay for their coffee, food & other expenses that i seem to end up responsible for when i spend time with them. it’s the user factor-something i noticed when i was in the house, among the theft there was also constant petty theft. clothes would disappear out of the dryer if it wasn’t guarded constantly.

since i have left i attempted to stay in touch with a few women i lived with-but realized the day before i left that i would always be the one shelling out because they where always broke or claimed to be. i want to go into social work & after seeing how little Real guidance low income women have it’s something i want to change.

i have also seen myself in the low echelon & not taken myself seriously enough to see beyond the mentality i encountered in the transitional program. when you believe you’re not worth anything you treat everything around as though it isn’t. it’s something i have had a first hand experience with today as i attempted to spend time with someone who was more busy telling me ALL the wrongs in my life, rather than all the good points.

if i am getting into grad school & my life is on the upswing i need people that are positive & not negative-for the past almost 2 years that is all i have dealt with. because of my own position i thought that it was okay-NOW i realize i have had enough. i need to be on the upswing & that means not taking my own boundaries for granted.