1635

that’s when my parents town was founded. i had a turbulent few days until i came to realize that my parents are not as well off as they once where & i should be lucky that i have a roof over my head& a place to my head every night. i have been drinking greenmermaid coffee as the alternative was milk with No foam& a smarmy attitude. i have come to realization that i have to make it on my own. i don’t have another choice.

i find it scary, reality of what is happening that is& what my choices are. the turbulence on the plane on the way over was something i found quite disheartening & left me feeling rather uncertain about my future & what is going on. i have to figure out a way to make it on my own. i still feel great resentment for my dad-who after 20 years of making my life hell now wants to be part of it, it leaves me with a lurch in my stomach.

i am grateful that i live in seattle & that i found a place there-with friends & support. it makes me really happy. i feel bored in connecticut-the excitement is no longer there for me & i have come to realize that i did make the right decision when i moved away almost a decade ago. i am looking forward to going to going back to the land of good coffee& mellower view of life. it will be good. i can leave the east coast & the past behind me when i go.

relief. sort of.

i have been spending time sipping coffee & doing everyday things-although watching the stock market plummet& houses no longer selling, buses getting crowded & people’s tempers flaring is scary. i just try to Breathe through the scary parts.

i take each day in steps, i get up-grab a shower, walk the dog & figure out what i am going to do.  when i go for coffee in the morning i try to stay in the moment because that is the most important place to be.

i am learning about my illness & about myself. i have been watching presidential politics with a sigh as the attack ads are only getting worse the closer we come to the election. i was thinking about writing a political blog until i realized that everyone was doing it& i didn’t want to jump on that bandwagon.

instead i am thinking about the next 2 weeks & keeping my fingers crossed that all goes well on my trip-of course i will miss Good coffee but other than that i am really looking forward to it. hopefully i will have more fodder for my entries that are not politically motivated or related to my illness. today is a good day!

stickingplans

this is my second time writing this entry-i wasn’t happy with the first one & realized that i missed my goal of what i wanted to say. in my last post i wrote about paranoia which i have aspects of but not to the point that it cripples my day to day activities or what i want to accomplish. i had a friend of mine email me lately & ask if i was hearing or having any auditory hallucinations. something that i have experienced the last year in an off/on kind of way. i happy to write that not recently & not in the last month. something i consider i a milestone as i thought i may be under more pressure & instead i have been under less.

some days i have a tough time navigating public transportation, recently i rode the bus & was forced to stand for most of my bus ride. intially i was having Fear because i was standing& then i realized that i was okay that there was other people standing on the bus with me & i was offered a seat on the bus that i took. it was in the place i am most uncomfortable sitting; the Very back. an eventful bus ride-as i was sharing the back with a woman that had gone shoplifting with her beau & her son. however, she is no longer selling cocaine so i guess that is a plus-if one can call it that?

i am no longer fond of malls& the main areas around them. i avoid crowded stores but recently went into one & it wasn’t until i was checking out that i realized Just How Crowded . i just focused had a small conversation & was pretty okay. the fear i sometimes have didn’t creep in that time either. dealing with my mental illness means that i do fear more than i have paranoia. it’s about the next 6 months & what is going to happen with my life& what i need to do to take charge of it. i have to come up with a plan, something i haven’t had the chance to think about in the last year & now i do. maybe i should get serious about my book or maybe i need to go back to school & start the next part of my life in a different chapter. either way it’s time for me to make some serious decisions & stick to them.