singletons reply a year later

last summer i began writing under the post script of undercover singleton; when i began spiraling & thought that i though Near to being homeless that i would become a cause celeb over what i don’t remember. i have vivid memories of cutting up personal belongings you Actually need. i am grateful for the fact that i no longer hear a voice in my head and usually understand Why when i do hear something. i have memories of accusing people of saying mean things they didn’t say as a child & young adult.

living with my mental illness is hard, i don’t always feel like understand the full picture but then on the other hand, sometimes behavior cuts to close & i freak out. today, i am battling fibro fatigue that comes on a few times a month & makes my head & body feel slow. i feel like i am moving like sludge-when i am not. my head is throbbing because some snobby, arrogant retiree that just sat down next to me slammed his eye glass case, also leaving trash on the floor next to his table. it’s the kind of stuff that makes wish for a desk & space of my own to write in.

i had to have a psych eval the other day, one of two that i am having & was told that i have made progress with my illness’ & in my life. i can never repeat more than 5 numbers because my mind crystallizes  due to  meningitis i had as a young child. i can remember words & simple actions; but not the numbers. it’s hard to cope with the small things my mind won’t let me do. i am still single-though in a relationship & starting to have less fear for the future than i have had recently. i am learning to trust that i am loved & that things in the end will work out.

it’s something i am just learning to do, i ask for help only when i need it, but try to spend most of my time outside of the house as i can’t imagine being there all day even with a migraine or my fibro fatigue days. because i stay active i also avoid down episodes & i think i have been lucky in the fact that i haven’t had a serious bouts of depression with my illness. i may no longer go to the gym but i try to stay active everyday by walking & getting my mind out the fog i usually wake up with.

this morning i woke up missing my bed& my own kitchen. i miss having the space to be Alone. sometimes that is all i need is Space-battling homelessness & the future with a mental illness is one of the hardest things i have ever had to do in my life. i Count the days because i have friends & i have support that makes going through what i have been through all that much easier.

anniversaries

living with a mental illness is hard; learning how to gauge every moment as i misinterpret situations that sometimes are Clear but to me are muddled by the thoughts in my head rather than Reality. a few years back i was consumed by a Negative stressor online. the so-called community was filled with nasty & mean people that posted

Freaky, generic posts & if they received reply that didn’t suit them, harassment started. my mailbox was full of nasty emails from people i had Never met who thought that harassing me online was a fun sport & in the end involved the police. i became fixated on the online community as i didn’t have anything that was Positive in my life. now i look back & see how damaging the situation was.

the same way i am celebrating a year since my mental breakdown that landed me in the hospital for 3 weeks-i wasn’t in danger to myself or others & was released pretty quickly after ending up there, however the experience is haunting to me. the amount of mental illness i saw in the 3 weeks i was there was gruesome &  i am grateful that i was able to leave.

it’s eerie a year later to see where i ended up-& how i remember how sick i was there. how ambulances are now triggers& how when i see a police cruiser i take a breath. i Focus on the Now that i am not there-that it was something that happened in my past. last summer i spent most of the summer walking & avoiding the buses as they too had become triggers with my mental illness. i associated things that didn’t make sense together & made them my own.

sitting & thinking back to who i was last summer i have come a Long way-my social worker who has supported me the last year thinks that i have made Great strides in my life. it’s something i saw when i traveled & realized that i can manage long haul flights & connections without any triggers or spirals. something i am Proud of that i managed to do. i traveled nearly 12 thousand miles in a week & Pulled off. it’s an Accomplishment all the things i have Done the last year are-now i have to embrace the Future& Breathe because am Alright even with reality being difficult sometimes. all i have to do is Breathe & be Grateful.

familje

i remember being in norway on the couch in my grandmothers living room & not being able to sleep because i wanted to remember the way it looks& smells. something that i thought after not being there for so long had made me forget, instead i became sad because it hadn’t changed. her TV still sits in the same place, her favorite chair that she has had ever since i was little still sits worn out in the living room.

what touched me the most was when the neighborhood kids came to her house & sang for her when i was there one afternoon. all the kids where standing outside of her house & they all sang her happy birthday even the smallest of the kids; it was touching to watch how many people my grandmother has touched in her 90 years. how much of an impact she makes-even with the youngest of kids in her neighborhood. the bouquet they gave her was beautiful.

the first night we where there she made fresh apple cake that was sweet-however, she didn’t need to bake anything as she was given 10 cakes in a matter of 3 days. we ate marzipan topped cakes, chocolate & coffee cakes, after breakfast was over we where offered cake. i took a brisk hike with my uncle who is recovering from stroke & who told me stoically that You Shouldn’t Give Up. it’s something that really touched me as this past almost 2 years have been one of the hardest of my life & that my family didn’t look down on me when they where told how hard my life has been instead i was greeted with support& told that i am a member of the Family & not to forget that.

waking up in seattle is hard, knowing that nearly 6000miles away i have Family that are still there for me no matter which way my world turns here in seattle feels Pretty amazing.