brokenUp

after much thinking& maybe some over thinking i decided to call off my present relationship. i realized after writing my last post that i needed to get my focus back on myself & what i need to do in the future when it comes to finding housing. the fact that we never Clicked the way i want to with a guy that i am going to marry. we got along and once in a while he made me laugh. laughter is key to relationships lasting & i ran into a smoldering old flame who i once did Click with making me think.

i also realized that i was given gifts by my former lover, but in the end that didn’t make up for his roaming eyes on other women or the child pornography that floated around on his computer, the unsecured guns in his house & the recent 24 year old edition that moved in within 18 hours of me calling it off. yeah, the odds where stacked against him. all the issues i mentioned where not things he was willing to fix or find a solution to. i started thinking about what the future would be like when one afternoon i was waiting for him to get back from work i realized that my belongings would never Fit in his life, he has already decorated & there is no Space for me.

similar to how it was 4 years ago, his old apartment was full of belongings to his former girlfriend & i didn’t fit into his life than either. this past February he popped the question on 14th, really lame & tacky…he bought me the laptop i am currently using for my birthday & even got me a customized ring i felt special wearing till i realized that he not only flirted with married, pregnant women in front of me but had a roaming eye that never landed back on me. i have had one of the hardest year & half of my life-& i never felt like he saw how hard i fought for myself.

the next half year will be hard, finding housing will be an uphill battle & getting myself out of homelessness is not easy. i have Faith in myself that i can do/manage whatever comes along no matter how hard it may be. as much as my heart hurts i feel that i made the Right decision. i am not on the market, but i will enjoy pretending to be& flirting without Guilt will be great.

from where?

i have come to the realization lately that there are things i need to do on my own, namely get myself out homelessness. i have offers from people that are saying that they will give a place to stay if nothing turns out, but i realized that i am the Only One that can get myself housing. i was also told this past week that i am inspiring people that i have in my life & that have told me that i have made a difference. making a difference in the current situation i am in really touched me. i have begun the daunting task of looking for housing & it’s an uphill battle, but i am also determined. i was approached about doing a documentary about my current situation & was touched when i was told it’d only be me & one other woman in the house doing the documentary. of course we don’t even have the film for the project yet-just ideas.

i submitted my poetry to the Believer, a magazine i don’t Believe in-as i submitted my poetry highlighting deliberately that i wrote about being a homeless woman. the response i received was curt & on the side of nasty. i look @ how the government is sinking millions into a going Nowhere war while there are homeless families on the street in every major city & we are too Busy looking down @ the credit card bill & debt to see the people in the shadows. last summer i only had my backpack on my back for 3 months, it was one of the hardest summers of my life& i debated suicide for almost a month, till i got my strength back, which in return helped me get into transitional housing.

what i gained from seeing women high on crack/meth/pot & turning tricks made me realize that i didn’t want to turn into one of them. no matter how hard things got. i can remember seeing a woman i knew drunk everynight as it was the only way she could get to sleep. i stayed on the quiet side of the room when we had roll call& if someone asked me a personal question i won’t talk about my life. i began freezing things out that i wouldn’t talk about. after i came into the transitional housing program i began to thaw out. although i was forced to change my medication while i was still in the street shelter. i very hard, tumultuous weekend  @ boyfriends house& starting what i am currently taking right after i began to feel better.

i am No longer a shadow although i sometimes feel that if people Actually knew who i am behind my computer screen they would be shocked. when i tell people i meet that i am in transitional housing & not living in some swank apartment i usually get odd questions. when i mention that i hold a college degree that i grew up in a middle class household with both my parents in the house, they start to see. just slightly-that i am not some white trash homeless drug addict. as that is the common perception.  i don’t have a Character Flaw-i was evicted after being discriminated against by rich, unscrupulous white man who entered my apartment illegally more than the one he admitted in the court of law. my former apartment is a place in my heart that i sometimes i ache for, although not the crazy guy that lived next door to me, or the broken window in my living room that kept me cold all winter, the opium addict that lived adjacent to me, or the acid making guys in the basement of the building. i don’t miss that. i didn’t live when i was there. i triggered my mental illness& became a place i feared to come back to.

so, No i don’t want to move back to my old apartment-i would rather find a new place where i feel safe when i come home everyday. where i can spread out my stuff, do laundry when i feel like it, watch CSI 3 days a week & cook my legendary butternut squash soup, without having to share it with 30 other women. i want to find a place where my soul is @ ease when i come back. where i can unwrap my brain & become the famous writer i have been told i am supposed to become. i know i will find it, because i won’t Give Up on myself-no matter what the obstacles are in my Future. i will find home.

springing

here i am sitting contemplating the virtues of relationships incl. my own. maybe it’s the fact that Springhas sprung? a few weeks back i thought it was Just my illness getting in the way; now i know it’s not my illness but actual behavior that is putting me on edge. i have spent the last few years of my life on the gang plank of love, the more unstable the guy was the more i was into being with him. i thought in the back of my mind that Love should be complicated & filled with drama. this past valentine’s day my boyfriend proposed & asked me to move in with him.

since, i am currently in a program i told him i wanted to finish it before i moved in with him. for most of April my mental illness & my insecurities took center stage. i spiraled briefly for a few weeks & had to straighten myself out on my own. since, living in the transitional housing program i have been comparing myself to women that have better jobs, shoes, hair than i do. it’s something i have always done, ever since i can remember. i think it’s a way for me to not see Me. when i focus on everyone else i don’t Have to See all the things i am Good @ or capable of.

it’s Spring again & running into an old lover trapped in front of his laptop on weekend night depressed me recently. i thought of all the could have beens & it made me take a step back & look @ myself & how far i have come. six years ago i was different person than who i am now; although i wasn’t capable of handling something that was stable. back then my life was constant wave & i usually didn’t know which side of the wave to be on let alone allow someone into my life.

back to my topic about roaming. since i begun taking my meds my sex drive has taken a nose dive. even seeing someone that may find me attractive i do double take on what i think is happening. this spring is different than last spring my life was more unstable last spring than what it is now. my life has changed for the better; teaching Norwegian a few nights a week have been good for my head. i also hope to get focused on my writing & take my own ability as a writer seriously. as for boy watching i will always enjoy eye candy, even if it’s the past peeking its head out from behind a laptop.

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