inThemoment

the last few weeks have been harder than usually, with my sado flaring up when i least needed extra stress in my life. i had a week where i was paranoid about getting coffee & taking the bus to a part of town i love. living with a mental illness is hard somedays everything is clear while others are foggy & i have a tough time coping. one of the main aspects of my mental illness is Fear that triggers my paranoia-when the two combine things get tough & situations muddled. it hasn’t helped that i have been pms(ing) the last few weeks something that has made agitated.

i tend to do less things & become overly sensitive about situations that aren’t a big deal at the time they happen, something that everyday is really hard to deal with. i have begun the slow process of learning how to stay IntheMoment. staying in the moment is hard for me as small gestures or say seeing a car drive by me will spin a story in my head a story that isn’t real but for that second that i am there it becomes real. the last few weeks i have been spiraling & my medication hasn’t worked properly, my anxiety rose & i begun thinking irrational thoughts.

today is one of those days where i feel Clear, meaning i have no voices in my head, i am not thinking that everything i encounter will lead to something bad which is where my thoughts go when i become irrational in my thinking. being Clear is wonderful, there are no voices in my head, my mood is level although i recently got bad news i can see the Light somewhere at the end of the tunnel. having a Clear is the completely opposite of having a Foggy day.

Foggy days consists of things that i manufacture in my head& that i Think Mean something when they don’t. a good example of a foggy day is when i stopped riding the bus for a week & didn’t anything because i was afraid that i had upset someone on the bus i was riding when i tried to get off. last summer when my brain took over my life i Walked all over the city, the bus became an object i Feared.

although things haven’t gotten that bad recently i still have to take a step back on my foggy days & concentrate on just the Basics in my life. i begin by telling myself that something that is becoming a trigger really isn’t anything for me to worry about, did that shrug really mean something or because i made into something. when the Something impedes my Entire day i will Freak out. i did this recently had made my boyfriend of the past half year make promises to me about things, just things in my head that wasn’t Real.

everyday becomes a maze in my head-what i am learning how to navigate between my foggy & clear days-that feel like a daily obstacle course i have get through. when i get passed them & i Feel good i know i made through the day without my mind creating little irrational stories in my head. when the stories don’t pop up i know that i am doing Good. today is one of my Good days, things feel Clear & easy to manage.

till next time, go outside-it’s like spring or something…..

spiritually confused

since, my last entry i have been pondering what to write about & then it fell into my lap the way it usually does. the dalai lama is in seattle for a 5day stay @ the grandHyatt extravagance & tickets being sold to the local public.  the first thing that has bothered me about his visit is that he is staying  @ thegrandHyatt for a spiritual leader to stay @ the local hotel made my stomach turn.

he is from what i gathered from his website a leader & former spiritual leader of tibet-a place that has become a bloodbath & china is blacking out what is happening. he is now here to teach us about compassion…? what? it took him over 2 weeks to comment on the turmoil in a country he lives in exile from. his former homeland. the last pictures out of the country where grim & disturbing.

from what the associated press is writing he is meeting/greeting 150,000 here in seattle who all paid for their tickets to the various events. this began me thinking about what a spiritual leader/leader is. we are heading face first into what will become modern depression for the first time since the 30’s. being leader during a time of turmoil is utmost important in order to give people something to believe in.

let me go back to the first point that he is a spiritual leader who has a tag of a dot com to his website & where ever he appears he charges people to see him. he gets law enforcement & local safe escorts from one destination to the next? what? the Price tag of his so-called trips probably average a million or more.

that is just a rough Guess? i am not good at math so i don’t claim to have all the costs of what he does. on top of all the security he stays @ the hyatt a global & expensive hotel chain. if i was a spiritual leader which i am not i would stay with the local community of my people or @ a temple. we have several here in seattle that are tibetan and would house him if the location was safe enough. so what does it mean to be a spiritual leader if you are taking from everyone else that makes you greedy even if you claim you’re Buddhist. one of the core values of being Buddhist is reforming away from Greed/money & material wealth.

i have been a part-time lutheran with buddhist believes for years-however, if i became homeless again i would only have one bag & the clothes on my back. i would forfeit my cellphone & my other expenses because that would truly be living buddhist & without material things. i have thought about what it would be like if i lost what i have-then i began thinking that although i would miss my things they are only objects as long as i am alive that is all that counts in the end. it makes me sad to write but i think that his how the our visiting spiritual leader should conduct himself. i attempted a long time ago to read one of his books & was never able to finish them. i would begin to wonder where the money from the book was going

& what had i actually paid for. i read however deepak chopra’s ThePathtoLove & loved it. he is a man that admits how much he charges to be seen & instills a greater meaning than the current visiting holy leader. i don’t have ticket to any of his appearances which is okay, i would rather meet him on the street & ask him how his day was because that is what a leader spiritual or not does. till next time, listen to the birds & feel the wind & breathe.

informative/eh

well, i couldn’t help myself after reading a thread in a writing organization i am member of that-bloggers don’t research topics & only write Rants. i was tempted to send an email back saying that she was wrong on all counts. i write on sporadic schedule & Usually don’t have a plan for what i am going to write; this isn’t a research paper i am handing into a professor it’s words in cyberspace. i have written entries with researched material, i always source where i got my information from, i am first & foremost a Writer. i have been writing in some capacity or another for the past 15years give or take a few; although a majority of what i write rarely makes into my online entries. i am poet & have had  someone plagiarize a poem a few years back @ an open mic.

she couldn’t come up with her own material so she would sit & record other writer’s on the mic. sophisticated way of Stealing Material. i don’t claim to be the KnowItAll; but it’s also Why my poems will never be on webpage unless i submitted my work. being a Writer/poet & blogger means that i split what i write where. i have written about differences in poly & mono relationships, burningMan & a wide assortment of tawdry entries about DatesFromHell. i have written about my mental illness that is a upHill battle that i am starting to learn how to walkup. i may not sit down everyday & describe what i am wearing & my latest new gadget & how i deliberately don’t wear black to the gym.

i wear colors to the gym. period.

however, it’s a dull topic-there are plenty of things to write about that aren’t about my personal routines or how much time i spend where. simply that is ordinary stuff. dealing with my schizo affective disorder isn’t easy. today is a Good day. i am proud of myself as i began having a Trigger yesterday & was able to divert myself & not spiral. Yipeee!! a small step but a good one. having a mental illness changes how the sun looks-& waking up on the Otherside of the bed takes an entirely different meaning. when i wake up & feel Crappy i start figure out How. Why. even if i don’t get the answer i want, it’s a small step.

back to my original topic, if it wasn’t for blogs i wouldn’t know the link between fibromyalgia & my brain. something i learned from a blog. the information was informative & research based& taught me quite a bit. i get Circuits from the NY Times in my email box everyday& i find the information useful because it is written as a blog entry. i can’t say much else but being a non-Purist writer that uses the internet as much as i do my pen on paper-the information Shift is changing& our concentration is weaning; because we expect Answers conveniently in the first paragraph & if it isn’t there we stop reading.

that’s Society. it’s a Shift & lack of concentration & focus is becoming an issue when couples block each other out by using their cell phones & other gadgets to zone someone else out. i only Hope that ideas on the net will keep flowing, because the internet is the birth of Ideas& change That has to be Embraced. even if the hug is clammy & our palms become sweaty because we are Nervous: the Internet means change.

support your local Retailer. drink Local Joe. friends don’t Friends drink the Mermaid.