accepTed

wow, i went from small uncomfortable mattresses to get accepted by city for where i am currently staying. i got the news yesterday a note under my door. it’s weird to not have to worry about where my head will end up. i still have to do chores, but they are worth it considering that i can pull a few winter items out of storage, get some more shoes, a few sweaters. being homeless for 2 months has taught me not to take anything for Granted. life is too short, that reminds me i have to and empty the dishwasher before i get in trouble.

blueScreen

now that i have a place i managed to get my laptop back, i covet the old machine more than i thought and missed it when i was in the emergency shelter. i have a Great house manager who wanted me to do a project, i hope i will be able to do in the future. i am no longer on medication that turns me into a daze for 8 hours everyday. i don’t miss

 

the mats, rules and constant fighting @ the shelter. i also realized how many women choose to be homeless, making it a profession. the chronic homeless. i made some good friendships that i no longer have. i found that my usually bouncing, extroverted demeanor changed. i became quiet. if someone asked me a question i viewed as too personal i would immediatly change topic, or stop talking.

 

i Believe in Now.

 

the morning everything changed, i had had a petty fight with another woman over something that was inconsequential. i was told by beauiful and very mentally ill 19 year old that i was meaningless. she screamed @ me down the street: Do Something With Your Life. that night curfew was at 10:30pm-that was when where expected to go to sleep; they turned the lights on 5:50am the first time i was there i remember shaking, from stress.

 

morning where endless waiting in line. give our names before the door opened. i was at the Salvation Army on a bed for a week. i realized how little they provided for women, how wasteful the place was; plastic gloves& mountains of Styrofoam. where i am now we have recycling bins, i have a bed with key to my door.

 

i realized one morning how many women in the line i was in had done what i only ended up doing for 6 weeks, they had done for years. it was Normal to nothing but camper style mat for the rest of their lives with one blanket. i can remember waking up thinking i was in

 

my bed until my feet touched the floor. something that would wake me instantly. my bed is in pieces in my storage unit. a place i would dread going to but now realize how lucky i am to have it. the line would form and there was always someone who wanted the doors to open when they expected it to be opened.

 

there was a woman that never was allowed to get a mat-i don’t know why? she had everything in garbage bags she would haul into the common room, where she would start collecting more paper, a ritual she did everyday, that she was allowed to come in. there was Fights, theft, arguments that would fill the common room. i remember the first day i managed to sleep through the chaos at 7am with 4.5 hours of sleep from the night before.

 

i had a safety, a place to go during the day. my friends house where i could shower, walk his dog and nap in silence, so quiet i remember crying myself to sleep one afternoon because i felt safe.  i don’t miss the stress of having to wonder where my head would end up on what church floor, when they would tell us time to get up. how they had us herded like cows in front hallway. of wondering what will happen everyday. now, i enjoy cooking again, have begun making my omellets, i enjoy eating, knowing that i have bed, a key & Hope as one.

   

inSomnia

on my old blog that has since been disbanded in may i blogged about my fibromyalgia-a disease that makes my bones hurt, giving me insomnia like a gift.  sitting past 10:00pm typing is exciting and thrilling, downstairs my Sheets await me going back to bed. since my medication can also cause this, the doc needs to see me again. Fun. Not.

it’s a small gift to find my comforter here in the house i now live. no more battling american sheets that slip off, and barely keep me warm. i washed my sheets today and haven’t had my comforter since July. this weekend was full of simple and sweet things. my saturday included sleeping in and making a sweet omelet i slow cooked to bring out the garlic.

this morning i was wearing my red devil shirt @ 6am on a sunday morning. nothing more fun than to drink drip and 4 shots of espresso and still not be awake. the game was good-the Crew that i watch it with where all there. catching Up on 3 months of summer that are now gone. till next year when hopefully things will be not be in motion.

since, it’s way past my bed time i was thinking about the fact that i can be up past 10:00 something that was tolerated in the churches i slept before i got here. being so close to the street was exhausting-my current BF said that i have calmed, my voice is changing-anxiety is finally beginning to take a back seat and life has been moving slowly forward.

tomorrow i get my vintage 3 year old laptop back and i can go back to latte’s, boy watching and looking for a sane boss, sane roommates-all will come in time. i am sure of it. for now though i amgoing to pace the hall way in wonderment of the place i got into a week ago.